Wrong Valentine
by Thunder-Nari
Summary: Jayne finds an...interesting valentine on his door. IE I don't wanna be silly or sappy or horny. Straight to the point, lets do it, I'm horny. SLASH. Mystery pairing, just for fun.


I'm late but... Happy Valentine's! The cracky poem in the card is **not** written by me, it was one of the prompts for a holiday Valentine's challenge. I don't know who actually wrote it. This is meant to just be cracky fun so please enjoy.

**Wrong Valentine**

He opens his hatch and the little piece of paper flutters down the ladder and lands square on his chest. With a frown – is that thing cut into the shape of a heart? And what's with the frilly white lace around it? - he picks at it with big fingers. Definitely a heart. It's even got little glitters on it, now ain't that cute? And there's writing, in squiggly black marker. Barely even legible.

_I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny  
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!_

Jayne's eyebrows shoot up. Now that's the kind of valentine he likes to get!

Because it is definitely Valentine's day, they all got a squealing earful about that from Kaylee last night. Left Jayne rolling his eyes. The whole thing was ridiculous, Jayne didn't need to be spending money on hearts and flowers to make some girl feel wanted. He _knew_ how to make a person feel good without all that.

He smirks. Whoever wrote this card seems to have the right idea as well. Whoever wrote it... He quickly checks for a name, searches the card front and back and there's nothing. Well, that's a bit more annoying, then. Unfair as well because reading them words got him all hopeful. Been awhile since they've landed someplace so he ain't gonna say no to a bit of fun with one of the crew. Mal and his 'no-shipboard-romances' rule can rutting screw him. Less...Mal really does want to screw him and Jayne looks thoughtful for a second before tossing the idea aside. Mal's too ruttin' hung up on Inara to think about getting any on the side.

He steps up the ladder, looking around to see if maybe the culprit is standing somewhere in the hall but the only person there is River, standing at the end of the corridor and watching him with her head tilted. He shudders. Ain't no way. Girl gives him the creeps and he'd be a little too afraid of her having a fit and pulling it off or something. No thanks. He turns away and heads for the galley instead.

It's late morning, the others are already up. Not all of them, though, doesn't look to be Wash and Zoe are around but Jayne doesn't need to strain his brain to figure what they'll be up to all day. He entertains those thoughts for a moment before someone is shaking his shoulders and bouncing up and down in front of him.

"Is that a Valentine in your hand, Jayne?"

He blinks at Kaylee, then down to his hand where the red heart is still clutched. When she tries to take it for a closer look, he holds it to his chest. "Hey!"

She rolls her eyes and grins. "What's it say?"

The others in the galley are all looking at him now, either grinning or bemused or expectant. Jayne narrows his eyes at the lot of them and waves the heart around with Kaylee straining to try and get a look. "Which one of y'all put this there?"

"A secret admirer!" Kaylee's squeal nearly pierces his eardrums. Jayne crosses her off the list of suspects.

He eyes the doc accusingly. Simon's eyes go comically wide. "Don't even think..."

"Jus' makin' sure." There's a bit of load off his chest, at least. Simon looks like he might be nauseous. "Ain't no one gonna fess up?" Jayne glares at everyone while Kaylee still looks around hopefully.

This is a rutting cruel joke. Everyone stays silent and Jayne is about ready to give in to the fact that his hand is the only thing that's gonna be helpin' him out tonight. "Ain't nice t' tease a man, y'know."

"We're teasing, Jayne?" The curious voice is behind him and Jayne turns as Wash and Zoe finally make their way into the galley. Wash looks more than a little hungover and there's the smell of champagne on the both of them. "And nobody woke me?"

The scowl that was already on Jayne's face darkens. He's thinking he should just stay in his bunk till the day is over. Kaylee clings to his arm.

"He got a Valentine!"

Jayne winces and wonders where that duct tape is. Only for a second though because Wash's reaction is a little distracting, the way the man's face just goes pale.

"Oh yeah? Hey, lemme see that..." He darts forward to snatch the heart out of Jayne's hand. He's got it before Jayne can snatch hold of the little man's wrist. Wash barely seems to notice as his eyes scan over the words and he turns to Zoe triumphantly, holding the heart out to her. "See! I told you I wrote you a Valentine."

Zoe takes the heart from his hand and reads over the words. When she looks up... Well, Jayne is fine with shoving Wash in front of him for protection. "...This is what you wrote me?"

Wash looks a lot less pleased with himself and presses back against Jayne's hands but Jayne holds him there as his human shield. "I uh... Well, it was after we broke out the champagne and..."

Zoe lifts an eyebrow that has Wash trailing off. "And then you left it on Jayne's door..."

Wash continues on, voice weak in an argument he knows is lost. "...Yeah, but...I was drunk?"

Jayne gives Wash a little shake. "Got my hopes up, little man. Thinkin' someone needs to pay for that." Wash looks a little terrified but Jayne can see that Zoe is just smirking now and maybe he's gonna end up getting lucky after all.

"Zoe?" Wash's voice is plaintive but Zoe only turns away, pushing the paper heart back into Jayne's hand.

"You can have them both" She goes over to the table to take a seat and dish out some of the breakfast that Kaylee has made. Little pancakes of protein shaped into hearts. Cute. Jayne catches sight of the confused but interested faces watching the drama unfold. The wide eyed man in his hands is a little more interesting, though.

"What are you going to do?"

Jayne doesn't really need to think about that one. A glance to Zoe says she's still ignoring them both but he can see that little smile. A look at Wash shows big blue eyes and parted lips. Jayne waves the little heart around. "You're gonna hold up to your little valentine, here."

There ain't no complaint from Zoe, so he scoops the little man up over his shoulder and carries him out. Could be this ain't a total loss of a day but he's still gonna spend it hiding in his bunk. Just gonna do that a little less alone.

Wash... He don't exactly complain about it.


End file.
